It's been a pretty f*cking hard year, at least in my case it has; some uncles died, my dad died, and now someone who wasn't really my uncle but I did love him like one died last friday, no one thought I cared that much because no one really thought I cared for him as much or something, but I did and I really got sad, and I still am...I'm struggling with school, and can't wait for vacations, I know things will get better and that everything will go back to normal, or at least I'm hoping for it, I've got to keep a positive attitude right?
A friend once told me that being positive wasn't his thing and that he found it stupid and idiotic, and maybe it is, but maybe being positive doesn't mean really believing what you are saying, maybe just maybe it's means you've got no other option but being positive or else you will drown in sadness, and that's something I wont do.
I don't give up that easily, sure, I complain a lot, and cry sometimes, and shout, and I even say that I give up and that I wont do anything anymore, but I just SAY it, I always keep on walking forward, I have the right to scream, complain, get sad, and everything I want, and it doesn't mean I'll just sit down waiting for everything to either get better or get worst; I'm not that type of person, I'll fight until there's no more reason to fight.
Right now I can fully understand that nothing it's forever and that persons you hold dear can disappear just like that...in the blink of an eye...And it's sad, but that in a weird way makes me want to try harder, to do what I want to do when I can and not a day after, because tomorrow will be to late...
I regret so many things I didn't do before my dad died, but I wont anymore, because I know he and everyone else I lost this past 3 years are watching me from some place I can't see, I don't know if heaven because I kind of don't believe in that stuff, but some place hidden and at peace.
I may not make sense in this post but I don't care, I needed this so bad and I'm happy I wrote it.
Have a good one :) thank you for reading.
-diana
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